I cannot be the only person feeling this way. It is not possible. I am not special nor am I unique. The feelings I have are not bizarre. They are not ‘just mine’. For some reason I feel comfort in that.
It has been awhile since I wrote. I had been ‘doing well’. I spent the first nearly 10 weeks post hospital in a great place. Then as per usual it all swirls about and I am in the middle of some kinda Soda Stream whirlpool. I have energy. I don’t. I want to be there, with those people who are friends and care. Then I don’t. I wonder if that is normal. I fucking hate it. I am right now overhauling my house. Again. For who? Because I have few visitors. Because I am paranoid. Because mess. Kids. House. Crumbs. Under the lounge is filthy. Again. HOW. Then all of the other things. The freaking dog pissed on the carpet again. I am excited that I get to use my carpet shampoo machine. I have so much going on. Yet nothing. I don’t want to die tomorrow because honestly I know I have not lived nearly the life I need to live.
So my partner went for a partners interview with my psychiatrist. I now see my doc fortnightly. Which is good on one hand – I freaking need it. On the other I feel helpless. Like I am unable to make confident and just decisions about my mental health. Ultimately I am grateful that I have my partner looking out for me like this. I don’t know how he stays with me. How he puts up with me. I am hard work. I know that. I am even hard work for myself. If that is even possible.
So, yeah psychiatrist fortnightly. Dietitian because I have put on 9kg in 12 weeks and cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I might seem confident but I feel like utter shit and look like a fat balloon. And I feel bad because once upon a time, when I was thin, I judged people who were well rounded. I fucking JUDGED THEM. And now I am ‘well rounded’. I feel like shit. I judge myself. All day. Then I feel like a selfish bitch. Usually I just feel like shit.
I am feeling like the blog posts will be coming on hard and strong in the next while. I just hate, hate, hate myself and feel ridiculous. And awful. There is no way to explain it without sounding like a complete fuckhead basically. I put up a wall and I sit on my fat ass behind it, ignoring what is going on, on the other side.