I spent the day cleaning and scrubbing my home. Have had about 624 coffees. Have obsessively checked, checked, re-checked and checked Facebook, I have made playdough, I have played with said playdough, I have done colouring in – I even took my youngest shopping to buy a mammoth amount of crafty gear. I mopped, cleaned out my car, did stuff. I have even crafted with all my offspring. And it isn’t 4:30pm yet…. I can see a pattern forming.
My body feels light and almost dizzy. My legs want to run a marathon, yet the skin on them is itchy. I can almost feel the blood pumping through my veins. My heart feels like it is doing double time. My head feels slightly heavy and like it wants to sleep. The ride upward is always fast for me, it is like I can feel my body ramping up. It is a countdown to launch. I can feel my energy levels rise. It takes some time for my head to catch up, but it will. And then I will have my mojo back. In many ways.
I recognized the first inklings of an upswing the other night. I had nightmares. All night. It was like I didn’t even close my eyes, and then there I was, in the middle of something that even Stephen King couldn’t imagine. It was more than hardcore. It was utterly terrifying. Yet there I was, experiencing it. Living it. I woke up the next morning feeling like I had never slept. Like I had never slept, ever… My body ached, my soul ached, my heart ached. I had seen things I never ever wanted to see. And so comes the insomnia. I am wondering now if the insomnia comes from being so shit scared of actually going to sleep. So scared of the nightmares. So utterly terrified of what is waiting for me behind my eyelids.
After I had sat down and collected my thoughts I thought I should look into this. I have suffered from crippling nightmares all of my life. I remember them starting when I was about eight years old. Anyway, I check out Mr Google and he tells me that there have been studies into this. That often bipolar patients talk about having nightmares before a period of mania. Makes sense, yeah?
So I shared this little tidbit with my little awesome community of bipolar peeps and it was interesting. Many, many of them spoke about their experiences with nightmares and night terrors. Suddenly I felt like I had an answer to something that had been plaguing me basically all my life. The nightmares MEAN something. It is my body, and mind, trying to make sense of what is happening right NOW. Is it fight or flight? How can my brain process this information? Is it because I tend to rapid cycle?
Right now, I just feel a pressing need to find out more. More information. More connections. I need to find a way to enable OUR understanding. I don’t want to ask ‘whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ anymore. Everything is relative. Our bodies and minds work together. I want to put that jigsaw puzzle together.