the repeated curse

She stands alone upon the foggy hill
the air so fresh, her skin her veil
The stillness of night does not stop her search
as each of her naked feet march across bare earth
Her eyes as wild as the night-loving owls
she can see so little, her desire is loud
She can sense it, she can sense him
She can feel him, right there.

He climbs and conquers the first ascent
knowing there is more ahead
his legs are burning – not unlike his heart
he has waited for tonight
so patiently
from the start.

The mists of morning are not lifting
The mountains treacherous path is deceiving
He knows this path, knows the direction
She has felt him draw closer since her conception
As the sun lifts, the darkest of dawn birds cry
She senses him, can almost smell him, she breathes him in

The mountain has not been forgiving or caring
as he nears her, he hears the birds cry
The fog has not lifted, yet inside its shadow
He sees the most perfect silhouette
His vision echoes
She knows he is there and turns to see
The only man of which she’s dreamed.

The legend of their love starts beyond all time
Of how their love, hearts and souls entwined
When in one dramatic turn of events
A choice was made, to lay roots or grow legs
They both feel at home with their feet in the soil
It is where they started, it is where they chose

On that mighty day beyond all time
On the day they chose to be like you and I
Their roots were torn violently from the soil
Their legs swiftly formed from what was bark
Their arms were cast from what were branches
Fingers the tendrils that were strangling vines
Hair was once leaves but now golden-like twine

They were cursed from that day and up until now
To repeat the search on the day they chose
Through the deepest of fog, she atop of the mountain
He at the bottom, climbing, both listening to the darkest birds of morning cry
To finally meet again until their hearts combine

Until they die, until the next lifetime.

(written by me, today)


recovery? what recovery?

recovery [rɪˈkʌvərɪ]

n pl -eries

1. the act or process of recovering, esp from sickness, a shock, or a setback; recuperation
2. restoration to a former or better condition
3. the regaining of something lost
Let’s break this shizz down
1. the act or process of recovering, esp from sickness, a shock, or a setback; recuperation

Often a stay in hospital is used to recover from whatever ails the patient.  The same could be said for those of us that spend time in the psych ward.  We are recovering.  Definitely recuperating.  The most bizarre thing about our kind of recovery is that for many of us it is a matter of time before we are recovering and recuperating again.  In my experience, t isn’t often that someone with a mental illness is fully recovered, the illness just recur and often at the worst possible time.

I, of course, cannot speak for those who have experienced shock or massive trauma of any kind.  Part of my diagnosis is PTSD, and it is treated differently to bipolar.  Each ‘ailment’ has its’ own ‘remedy’.
2. restoration to a former or better condition

Well.  Restoration to what really?  Many mental illness patients feel that they’ve always ‘suffered’ from their condition.  Better condition works well in this instance for sure, I know for sure that I am in a better condition now than I was three weeks ago when I was admitted into hospital that’s for sure.  I can’t imagine what I would be restored to though.  I’m not a vintage car that needs a new paint job.  I don’t have rust, I don’t have a seized engine.  Actually I lie.  I did have a seized engine.  But the thought of being restored to a previous condition just is not possible for me.  Could I be in better condition?  Yes.  Definitely.  Both physically and mentally.  but restored? No.

3. the regaining of something lost

hmmmmm…  ummmmm…  o.k so regaining of something lost.  Maybe I can leave that one at ‘regaining my mind’.  Or even better, ‘regaining my mindfulness’.  Even better than that ‘regaining my SELF’.  Regaining acceptance?  Regaining control?  Regaining relationships?  Regaining faith?  Regaining truth?  Regaining just about anything, anything at all?  How can one regain something they may have never had?

Right now though, I wish I could regain my Crunchie bar that I just ate.  It was yum.  And there is very little left.  So I will eat the rest of it as I hit ‘publish’.

We find

Standing now knee deep in rubble
Perception fades, intensity doubles
The stronger, harder, deeper I delve
The less I find. The less I find.

My own space is my room of torture
Stinging nettles at the entrance
The further, harder, more you try
The less you find. The less you find.

We meet somewhere in the middle
It is too dark, an answer-less riddle
The hand you hold inside is mine
And finally the more we find

(Written by me, tonight)

definitely someone

This should be my last week here.  This is the time I am going to dedicate to positivity and inspiration.  This week will be hard hard work, I know this.  I need to remember life is a pendulum, some swing higher and faster than others.  Some barely swing at all.  Most are in between.  And it is not my business at all how high, fast or long others’ rides are on their own pendulum.  My business is to concentrate on my pendulum, which day by day gets more and more stable, flows more freely.  It is my business to always pay attention of how my pendulum is swinging.  I can see and appreciate others ups and downs through watching them, however the time has come now to step back, and take back that little part that attached itself to that persons’ pain.  I will just be there.  I can just be there.

A great friend of mine said this ‘well, the Dr gets to go home at night and actually get sleep, where we are left with these crazy meds and trying to survive’.  Which is true for the most part.  My problem is not the meds so much but that I always took home a piece of that pain or anguish (from a therapy session, a friends conversation, anything really) and didn’t process it.  It festered.  All the while was unaware that this was happening. I am aware now, and it is like a light bulb has gone off.  I finally see.  I see not only what I’ve done to others (which is a shit ton) but what has been done to me.  The most interesting part is that everyone has the same story.  In some way, shape or form.  Everyone has done stuff, had stuff done to them.  Everyone.  I’m not special or unique.  I am one in millions.  I am not nobody though, I am definitely someone.  But I am not the only one.

This week will be a tough one for me because I am going to face my sexual abuse head on.  I am determined now to actually LIVE the life that I dreamily fantasize about.  This is the last thing.  Though the man that did it is dead, he will have to be resurrected over the coming days so I can finally rid myself, my mind, body and soul from him.

I wish someone would tell  me where his grave is…  So I could shit on it.


the to-do list

to-do-list (1)

This is what greets me after I input my password into my computer.  This has been reminding me for over a year the very simple things I need to do.  Today.  Every day.

– Count my blessings.  I need to always remember that although I may struggle at times, the joy and happiness that I often feel far outweighs the hard times.  I don’t have to remember every single good thing.  I may even forget what that good thing was.  All I need to remember is that I have two feet, two arms and a big heart that continues to keep me alive.  I need to count my blessings, not my downfalls.

–  Practice kindness.  I don’t always want to do this, and I often have to check myself before I react irrationally or irritably.  I need PRACTICE.  I also need to know that not all situations require kindness in the stereotypical sense.  Sometimes in order for me to be kind to myself, I need to be not so kind to others.  I feel like this is being honest with my inner self and something I find easier to accept and do with time.  How can I practice being kind, when being kind usually ends up with the absolute flipside happening to the other person or thing?  I need to practice being kind, yes.  I also need to learn what true kindness is.

– Let go of what I can’t control.  The big kahuna.  No body likes feeling out of control.  In a world where little makes sense, often retreating to our own zone, where we can control where the forks and spoons belong in their drawers, where and how we store or fold our towels.  Whether we think a stick shift is better than an automatic transmission car.  These are things we can control.  Inanimate objects that we can physically move when we want to, and usually find them in that same place when we seek them.  So what of the relationships and the way we interact with fellow living beings?  I feel like some of these points intercept in concept to a degree.   They make the big picture.  I need to understand that I have very little control over anything at all.  None of us do.  We think we do but look around you.  I don’t particularly want to get too heavy at this time (mid first triple shot coffee) but really.  LOOK around you.  I look into the faces of people lost.  Lonely people.  Sad people.  People who look alone even though they are in a crowd.  We are disconnected.  We are out of control.  So while I subscribe to the concept of ‘letting go of what I can’t control’, I want to challenge it.  I do feel that this statement doesn’t actually refer to my ramblings though.  It is far more shallow than that.  Just let go of what you can’t change.  You cant force another person to see things the way you do.  You can’t force the government to see sense and change their policies.  You cant stop Gina Rinehart from digging our glorious country into hell, all for money.  Look at what you can change, what you can control.  Beyond the forks and the spoons.  Let go of what you can’t control but look for inspiration and the ability to change what you can.

– Listen to my heart.  I have failed my instincts so many times.  I have been guilty of ignoring that pestering, niggling feeling that I get when something just ‘isn’t right’.  So terribly guilty.  I am going to listen now to my heart, and I am going to trust it.  Without question.  It doesn’t have to be a massive statement that I state publicly on a freaking sign – I can keep it to myself.  Yet I do have to start trusting my self.  I do.

– Be productive yet calm.  We have been learning SO much about planning and goals in here.  It has shifted my thinking so much.  I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to learn these things because now I feel like I can actually GET THINGS DONE.  Systematically.  Processes.  Step by step.   When things are broken down into small segments, the task is so easy.  Talk about epiphanies abounding.  It is all going on here peeps.  ALL GOING ON.

– Just breathe.  Yeah right.  I know.  I breathe from my throat, not my chest.  It creates panic and can bring on attacks at any time.  So I guess that is another thing I need to practice.  The best part of ‘just breathing’ is that if you do truly, really, deeply breathe, the other points seems to just roll on.  They happen.  Calming the nervous system enough to be able to be productive, calm, listen to my heart, let go, practice kindness and count my blessings.  This is the key element that facilitates ALL of these amazing things.