feelings don’t define me

I am a hypersensitive being.  I feel.  I move my way through the day feeling in my heart, almost intuitively.  I feel hard.  I fall hard.  I also fail hard.  I fail to use the tiny amount of logic I have, in the moment.  It takes every bit of strength I have to not react immediately to any situation that I am in.  I also find it really hard to not assume that everyone is the same as me.  It isn’t fun, navigating life through the heart only.  It isn’t fun navigating every situation with my feelings surfacing before my logic.  I react fast, often expecting that my particular train of thought is obvious to all around me.  It never is.

I wont tolerate someone throwing me under the bus though.  No no no.

I have had a really rough couple of days.  I am paranoid about a particular situation and it makes me second guess my intuition.  It makes me second guess my self.  I’m not always right and I am ok with that.  I just wish others were honest, to the core, with what their intentions are.   Mainly because I know what those intentions really are before they finish their sentence.  Because I navigate my life in a different way.  I sense things.  I am rarely wrong when I have that sense.

I have been really emotional and last night, well, I was completely irrational.  Thank the universe that my mother is on speed dial because I needed her last night.  I was completely gutted, hurt, torn apart.  

So why do I invest so much in others?  Why do I invest so much in the idealistic life that I want to have?  Why do I assume that others will understand that I just want to go about my life in a non-dramatic manner?  Why do I expect honesty, when that is how I navigate my day?  Why do I care so much.  WHY?  At the end of the day I don’t need to be accepted.  I don’t even need to be liked.  What I do need though, is respect.  Respect the fact that I live in an honest manner and expect to be treated that way.

Honesty has helped me survive until now.  And tomorrow it will keep me moving.  Remove honesty and I have paranoia.  Paranoia is not fun.  Second guessing other people is not fun.  So why not just be honest?  Isn’t that just better?  It might be hard to begin with but in the end, it is freeing.  The truth shall set you free and all that.

So I guess what I am trying to say is just tell the freaking truth.  Be straight up.  Don’t assume that the other party believes you, if you are not upfront.  Lies are so transparent.  Deception is always shown up in the end.  And don’t treat me like a fool under the pretense of ‘protecting me’.  That is offensive.  I am a big girl and I have big panties.  And my life has thrown me enough to deal with anything, anything at all.  Trust me.  

Clearly I am paranoid right now, you are thinking that, yeah?  You are right.  Because true honesty is hard to come by.

 

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One thought on “feelings don’t define me

  1. I hear you…..I also have a very finely tuned bullshit meter…..and every time that I have ignored that warning bell, I’ve lived to regret it bitterly. Sorry to hear that you’ve been doing it rough ❤

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