I get knocked down

So, it is days shy of Christmas and I feel excited, excitable and joyous. I feel stable, refreshed and inspired. Lots of things have been happening for me that are sure fire signs that I am going well. I am working at a salon again, absolutely love it. I feel like I have my own identity. And I know I have the skills and love being around people. It is a win win.

So I’ve been on cloud nine now for weeks. Looking at the upside. Letting my perspective be a part of me, instead of questioning it. Opening my mind to the idea that THIS is life. So what if I need meds. So what. This is what living is. And I like it.

I always keep one eye open though. Because there is always something. There is always something there that reminds me of my place. Reminds me that although I feel like I am on top of this, it is easy to be knocked down.

It happened. I was having a menial conversation and I got knocked down. By a comment that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I cannot and will not share what it was, because it had potential to destroy all I had been working for. It was a side swiping, uneducated, inflammatory, and hypocritical comment that attempted to dismiss everything I had been through, my whole life. From my abuse to where I am now. By someone who is very close to me.

I get it. People don’t understand. People don’t think. Most don’t. Which is why, when I am unwell, all the voices merge into one cacophony of sound. I find most peoples ‘advice’ condescending and futile. Yet, this was not something I expected.

It came out of nowhere. And stabbed me in the heart.

The realisation that when I am well, I actually listen to such ‘advice’.

So, days later I am still digesting this conversation. I am still thinking about it, dwelling on it. I can’t confront the person because honestly, there is no point. That person made their opinion clear as day. So, what do I do with this, how do I digest and eliminate this? One might say ‘forget about it’. Another might advise ‘it’s not you, it is them’. The few friends I have told about it have all expressed shock and anger. Which is what I wanted, to feel validated by my response. My feelings about this were real and completely called for.

Anyway, I guess all I will do is put another feather in my cap – this person has been doing this to me for a long time now. Trouble is that I can’t let go. So I will just take it. Remember that the commentary wasn’t really intended for me, but as a mirror for them.

And look forward to Christmas with those who think before they speak.

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