Today I feel utterly revolting. My eyes don’t want to stay open and my brain hurts. I feel agitated yet unable to move or comprehend much at all. I feel like a ruin. A shell. A spent vessel. I just do not feel ‘right’.
A friend asked in one of my groups the other day about whether it was her cycling that made her lose what she thought were strong friendships. I always pondered this too. I mean, how can it be possible to have had such a deep friendship with someone only for it to literally dissolve overnight. Literally. I had to think on that question overnight because I knew there was something more in this than what was obvious. We blame ourselves. Anything happens, it is our fault. Because bipolar. Then the epiphany happened. And I simply replied ‘I think it has more to do with the fact that my mood finally shows me what a dick they really always were’.
By my saying that they were always dicks doesn’t mean that everyone anyone has ever had a falling out with are dicks. Sometimes people just act dickish. Doesn’t mean that it is their entire personality.
True friends who know your truth, whatever that truth may be, don’t just come and go. They stick around. They may not understand and may withdraw for a while but they do not just disappear. This is relevant not only with those who have a mental illness – this relates to every single soul. Even those with out a mental condition. Friendships are like rivers – some are deep, some wide, some seem to go on forever, some are winding and meandering with rapids, some are tidal and some are prone to flooding. In any case, like rivers, friendships are our own personal lifelines, just the same as how rivers are to the environments its water feeds.
I don’t mean to put people into categories and people by their very own nature do come and go, they do get busy with their lives, but here is a basic rundown of what I view my interactions with other humans as.
I have ‘satellite’ friends. They are the ones I may or may not know very well at all – I may not even know their names. Very cordial interactions. Little thought given to said relationship. Acquaintances.
Then I have the ‘Orbiters’. They circulate closer, don’t know too much about me and me about them. I know their names and probably have their phone number but I never call them. Still very cordial, however due to my lack of vocal filter, they may see ‘me’ much more often than the ‘Satellites’.
In between the Orbiters and the Core crew I have what I would probably call the ‘Tectonic’ friends. These are the ones that I have let in enough to cause pain and hurt if they turn on me (or vice versa). Like the Tectonic plates on our Earth, when they move, when they shift, they can cause massive damage. The opposite can be relevant too – the changes can change the relationship in such miraculous ways.
Lastly is the ‘Core’. There are very very few people in this category. Very few. These people have either known me for years or have had a very deep and personal friendship with me for whatever amount of time. These are the people that I may not see for years but when we catch up it feels like it was just yesterday when we saw or talked to each other.
I don’t have a list of who goes where because like water and it’s essence, the nature of friendships ebb and flow.