I feel like I’m a slingshot right now. Like I’m level headed, logic prevails, yet I am walking a fine line. The line I am walking on is challenging me, and I need to stay strong. For me. And of course, for my family.
I am snappy. Have limited patience yet time passes slowly. I am wondering if this latest concoction is the right mix, as general triggers aren’t *as* detrimental to my mental state as usual but they are there.
I feel contented though, and I know that I have to keep on trucking. I just feel more like I am an annoyance right now. Like I should just be better already. The thing I have yet to acknowledge is the fact that recovery from an episode takes time. A long time. I am annoying myself.
What I am doing a lot more of is spending time with the kids, with my partner, even my dog and cat. I’ve totally eradicated alcohol from my life and love it. It triggers me like nothing else, and I know I just can’t go there. So I won’t. And can’t.
The appetite. Ravenous. Eating all the time. I need to exercise. I don’t. So I’m annoying myself about that too.
I touched a little on how I usually end up worse off after episodes, and this usually has a lot to do with other people. The fallout from this one wasn’t as bad as the last time. Whatever happened was totally warranted and fair (called out someone who was not exactly as they should have been) but I still could have gone about it all with more class. I don’t have regrets about the endgame, but that shit put me in hospital and it sucked. I will never let anyone have that kind of effect on me again. So it means I don’t let people in as close. So it means a part of me that has trust and faith in people has died a little. I’ve grown up and realised that ultimately, humans can be incredibly selfish beings and I have not one bit of control over that. Nor do I want to have control over that.
One thing I do when I’ve done something wrong is say sorry. Those who know me personally know that. I own my shit. The inability to own it when one has done something terribly wrong is not my problem. So I’m letting it go. As the sun sets tonight, all of my feelings on this problem and person will lay to rest with it. I do believe in forgiveness, but I don’t forgive without apologies so this is not an act of forgiveness. This is me being a mirror and deflecting all the pain and hurt right where it belongs – and that is not with me.