the Epic Backstory

So, everyone has a story.  Every.single.one.  Every soul, every being.  Everyone has a story, and now I will share what I can right now, about mine.

I have never felt any different to the way I do now.  Never.   I didn’t wake up one day and think ‘OH WOW I MUST BE PSYCHO’.  I didn’t wake up one day and realize anything.  I just have always been ‘weird’, ‘loud’, ‘talkative’, ‘dramatic’, ‘over the top’.  I remember distinctly my Year 5 teacher putting my desk in front of his because I ‘wouldn’t shut up’.  I was always ‘excited’.  ‘Fixated’.

All children are born special.  All children are gifted, wonderful and a blessing upon our world.  I can understand how I slipped through the cracks, because there was so much other stuff that went on in my childhood (not unlike many others, mind you) that took precedent over what could have been an early diagnosis.

I am not special, nor am I unique.  In my own little ways I am of course, just like everyone else, but on the whole, in the pool of specialness and uniqueness, we are all the same.

ALL of us.

Including you, who doesn’t live with bipolar.

Anyway….

I have never felt different to the way I do now.  I had some really tough times through my childhood, which contributed to the nightmares that I live with now, the PTSD ‘effect’, if you will.  Those events didn’t really change me, except for those nightmares.  Because, I have always been this way.

I have always connected with the more ‘unusual’ types.  I have always walked on the wild side.  I have always put myself in danger.  I have always challenged what I thought was ‘normal’.  I never, ever actually wanted to be normal.  I never ever ever ever wanted to fit in.  I never felt a need to conform.  In that respect, I have been free, from a very young age, from that feeling where I needed to conform to what society deemed acceptable.  Yet, I never accepted society because to me it just all seems ridiculous and idiotic and generally not something I wanted to be a part of.

I was sexually abused for a long time.  Lived with a broken home, a few times over, saw way too much, fed drugs at a young age (by my father, who was clearly not ‘well’ either), I had so many challenges.  Yet they formed me into who I am today.  I feel like a warrior right now.  A warrior of truth.  I feel like I want to scream to the world about HOW things can be better.  HOW things can be different.  HOW much acceptance means to us.  Yet that is conflicting because to me personally, screw acceptance.

When I say ‘us’, I mean those of us that live with bipolar.

I felt a sigh of relief when I was diagnosed with Bipolar.  I felt like finally there was a reason for why my mind would play tricks on me.  Why my mind would repeat everything.  Over and over over over over over.  I felt like I knew exactly then, exactly everything.  I didn’t though.  It was the beginning to the search that I am on now.  For answers.  Not medical answers.  Truthful answers.  Self acceptance.  Self knowledge.  The day I found out that I had bipolar changed my life.  I would like to say for the better, but at this point I cannot say.  I still feel like a warrior though.  Like I am fighting the good fight.

At this point, everything feels like a band-aid.  The medications, the diagnosis.  All of it.  Right now, it feels like it is covering up a massive truth that I just cannot find yet.  I know I am obsessing, I know it.  But I know there is a REASON.  I know it.

When I was diagnosed and shared it with my mother, she said that it must have come from my fathers side.  Because my grandmother was batshit crazy (my words, not hers.  She doesn’t swear).  I was incredulous.  Gobsmacked.  I heard stories since forever about her and I always felt that she was on the kooky side but wow.  Don’t put me in that basket man.  Just don’t.  I deserve my own basket.  Dammit.

This is hard, I feel like I want to scream out ALL THE DETAILS but I know I can’t.  I know I can’t.

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4 thoughts on “the Epic Backstory

  1. Life is good with the curve ball, isn’t it? My sister suffers from depression, which includes highs and lows and some steady periods. The biggest problem – I think – is the stigma attached to any kind of mental condition or illnes. People are too scared to talk about it. I was overseas for a few years and when I came back home, I found out – through experience – how bad it was. My parents and my other sister had no idea what to do, what to say, and certainly didn’t want to acknowledge how severe the problem was. The only thing I could do was to stay with her in the black hole moods and talk her out of it. Or talk to her until she fell asleep or I felt I could leave her. And that was what I offered her – the minute she felt a black mood coming on, she came to me, or phoned me and we talked until she felt the mood abating. She’s mostly okay now (20 years on) but it’s been a long haul and a myriad of therapies and.medical visits. And she’s not “cured” by an means. Keep talking, keep blogging, don’t let the comments of ill informed or plain nasty people get to you – they and there attitudes are the problem in mental health awareness. Changing the conversation, removing the taboo, that’s a good thing. People commit suicide without talking to anyone about their feelings or problems, because of the stigma factor. What you are doing, in your small way, is great, amazing, brave.

    • wow! thank you <3. I feel your sister and I hope (and sense) that she is getting the care she needs, when she needs. She probably wont always want help, she might reject it. At times. Just knowing you guys are there is the best thing ever 🙂

    • WHOA UP SISTER!! <>

      Thank you. First and foremost.

      So many people, especially from my gen and older, have fallen through the cracks. That fact hurts my feelers. I cannot understand how this has ever happened. Thank the universe that your sis had you, because if she didn’t, chances are that she would have had nobody. So, YAY YOU!!! ❤ for being an awesome support person, and hopefully the start (or part) of an amazing support system for her <3.

      • Well,I don’t always feel like I’m doing much but the fact that she is doing okay at the moment is great! I didnt mean to sound so serious in my post, but it just kind of came out that way. I’ve just been involved in a great mental health awareness event – a pop up Depressed Cake Shop (google it – you’ll be amazed and hungry at the same time!) which are popping up all over the world, aiming to start removing the taboo from talking about these issues. It was an eye opener for me, and also a chance to bake and make something a little different ;-). Good luck!!

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