My family just left – I sobbed as they walked to our family car, got inside and drove away from me. I cried because I missed them so much already. Even though we all know that I am in the right place for what I am going through right now, I have to admit that I felt like chasing them for one last hug, one last kiss. I wanted to jump in the car. Alas, I had to stand back and wave and ugly cry, and keep my resolve. And just wait until tomorrow when they visit again.
Things in here are tumultuous for me. I am still rapid cycling and feeling like it is stepping up further. The strange hallucinations have started again. It is very rare for me to think that they are true, but today I thought that there must have been some kind of air vent underneath the carpet because it was moving in a wave-like fashion. So I put my foot down on it, just to check. Then the patterns in the carpet started to look like Vikings. With awesome mustaches. And I laughed because well, Movember is on its way I guess.
This is not a good state of mind to be in, especially when one starts questioning the reality of what they have witnessed. Now because of this, I feel fear about going to sleep because usually when I see things in the daytime it means that I see worse things during my sleep.
A very terrible thing happened in the last couple of weeks, and it has distressed me to no end. Only last night the issue came to a close, and I had to walk away from someone that meant so much to me. I don’t know how I would have coped with this parting of ways if I wasn’t in hospital. I just do not know. All I do know is that I have to have faith that things happen for a reason, and all people who cross your paths do so for a reason. Some stick around. Some don’t. Some are inspirational acquaintances. Some are just strangers that make you reflect upon your self. In any case, every single soul that you connect with does so for a reason. Always.
I know that the only reason I am here on this Earth is because of my partner and my children. That is all. The only reason I endure what I do is so that I can watch my beautiful children grow, with my amazing and supportive partner. I try to experience life through their eyes. Especially when I am struggling and feel like there is no way out. I try to close my eyes and see the world the way they see it – with wonder. With admiration of what the world has to offer. I try to see that I was that little child once, and I saw the world the way they do now, once.
I tell you what, if you don’t laugh sometimes, you will cry. In the state I am in I just take every day at face value and live through every second, every hour. Let the day guide me as much as possible.